Butt Out At Work

While at work one day I was feeling really restless so I decided to walk across the street to take a Starbucks break. I don’t drink coffee but I just needed to get out of the office. I hung out there for about 30 minutes before heading back across the street to the office. Just before I got to my office I was greeted by a co-worker who wanted to talk to me. He followed me into my office and before I could sit down, he calmly interrupted me and asked, “Jonathan, do you realize that your pants are split open in the back?” I’m like, what is this dude talking about, is he crazy? I reached around to see if I could feel the split. Oh shit! Not only could I feel the split but my hand went all the way through to the back of my leg! The freaking pants were split from the belt line to the knee, as if someone took a razor and sliced them open! All I could think was, “how the f*** did that happen? Then I had to wonder how long it had been like that. Did I walk all the way from the Starbucks with my ass out? And of course the most pressing issue was what I was going to do about it.

By this time, my co-worker had left, undoubtedly feeling that the problem I had was more pressing than the one he wanted to talk about. I started brainstorming, trying to figure out how to solve this problem without walking out of my office and flashing everyone who happened to cross my path. I started thinking about who in the office was approximately my size. Bingo! Russell. Maybe my friend Russell had some extra pants in the office.

I dialed his office. “Russell, I’ve got an odd question to ask you. Do you happen to have an extra pair of pants in the office? “Ahhh, why do you ask?” he replied. “Well, somehow I managed to split my pants in the back and my butt is, well, pretty much completely out.” As you might imagine, all I heard for the next five minutes was non-stop laughter. After composing himself, he told me that he was actually leaving shortly to play golf, and had brought a change of clothes. (I was in luck.) He offered to bring me the pants he was wearing after he changed for the golf outing. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how I felt about wearing someone else’s pants, especially pants someone was taking off to give to me. Well, what other choice did I really have?

Always a man of his word, Russell dropped by my office with the pants, but not before laughing hysterically for a few more minutes, especially after I showed him the split, which was an unannounced condition for getting the pants. After he left I thought I might be able to slip his pants over the pants I was wearing. No way. First, I couldn’t easily pull them up. When I did I couldn’t button them. But worse, they looked absolutely ridiculous, a bunched-up, wrinkled, crinkled mess. I had to face it; I was going to have to wear dude’s pants. And I did. And it worked out fine. The next day I brought the pants back to the office, dropped them off at the cleaners in our building (pre-paid of course), and gave Russell the claim ticket. I looked him in the eye and, in my most serious voice, told him to never mention this shit to anyone—yeah right. Needless to say, I was always grateful to him---the man who would give you the shirt off his back, or the pants off his ass!

Morale of the story: Always keep a change of clothes at work. You just never know what might happen.