Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I had just wrapped a meeting in Atlanta’s West End and got back in my car, heading toward I-20 East. It was only a matter of moments before I was cruising and listening to my favorite afternoon sports talk show. As I drove, I was distracted by some movement on or near my shoulder, which I barely noticed out of the corner of my eye. What could it be? A piece of lint? A fly? A spider? Surely it was nothing that a quick flick of the wrist couldn’t handle. Then came the quick flick of the wrist. Then came, well, utter shock. Turns out, it wasn’t a piece of lint, a fly or a spider; IT WAS A GEICO-COMMERCIAL LOOKING GREEN LIZARD!!!!!!! Now, mind you, I wasn’t really afraid of GEICO Jr., but I have to confess the shock of it startled the **** out of me—so much so that my body clenched up, causing me to accelerate and swerve into another lane of traffic. I really didn’t really care about the honks from the 18 wheeler whose path I had dangerously crossed into. I was more concerned about this f***ing creature in my car.
There it was. Sitting on the front passenger floor mat—chilling like it belonged there. There was nothing I could do about it. I was still driving. But I was NOT going to be denied. I was going to get GEICO Jr. out of my car—dead or alive. First, I had to get off the Interstate so I took the next exit. GEICO Jr. was still sitting there when I stopped in a parking lot of a strip mall. I looked around for something to use to get this thing out of the car. The only things within reach were some mail and a three-ring binder. Yes, the three-ring binder was going to get me out of this situation. I grabbed the binder and took a whack at the lizard. Success—or so I thought—I hit the lizard but not hard enough or in the right spot. But I did leave some damage; that little bastard was bruised all over the back. Yes, there had to be some damaged organs, internal bleeding, or something wrong with that little mf’er. Despite its injuries, it just scurried around the floor and eventually under the seat. I got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side to try to get rid of this thing. I moved the seat forward. The lizard ran to the back. So I moved to the back. I tried to guide GEICO Jr. out of the open door. No luck. The lizard wasn’t having any of it. I had no choice. I had to take another whack at the lightning quick creature. Damn it! Missed. Now it was under the seat again. So I slid the seat backward. GEICO Jr. ran to the front. But as soon as I got to the front of the car, my little tormentor ran under the seat. So I moved the seat forward and it ran back to the back. This went on for about three more times.
In the midst of all of this seat moving and lizard chasing, I picked up something else I didn’t really want—a spectator. It was a young man who was asked me if everything was ok. (I imagine it did look kind of crazy) I explained that I was trying to get a lizard out of my car. He looked at me, put his palm up (as if to tell me to talk to the hand) and said, “nah, bruh, I’ma let you handle dat.” I mumbled under my beath, “Fine, mf’r; I didn’t ask for your help anyway.” Unfortunately I did have to get out of there. I had another appointment to get to, about five minutes away. When I arrived I looked in the back and there was GEICO Jr., just sitting there. I had a clean shot. WHACK! Missed again. As I sit here typing this, I imagine GEICO Jr. is still sitting under the seat trying to recover from that bruised back. I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to get rid of my unwanted passenger. Should I buy some Raid and try to poison it or set a mousetrap (I don’t think there’s such a thing as a lizard trap and if there were what would you put in it?) or just try to wait him out? Suggestions, please? GEICO Jr. has got to go!